PART #1 OBSERVATIONS AND WONDERMENT By Ned Allen Rouse Sometimes it can feel like you are going mad in this age of communication. I knew we were totally in trouble when they started handling politicians like superstars, on television, and calling OJ Simpson’s lawyers The Dream Team. The reality TV phase has also amazed me. As bad as TV has become, at least now they don’t have to pay for lame writers! Reality stars write shows as they schlep along. In the age of cable and satellite dishes we now have the bankrupt morals of the East and West coasts constantly beamed into our mid-American homes. They are invited into our homes through the parentless TV hours, video games, and music. So now we have The Gangs of New Hope, Minnesota, Little Homies on the Prairie, Grand Theft Autos in an Eskimo village, and Big Iowa Pornfields, instead of cornfields! Paris Hilton is famous for screwing and being stupid. Girls want to be her! Then there’s the woman trying to turn herself into Barbie through plastic enhancements. Girls love Barbie! New York’s Cat-Woman is famous for mutating herself with plastic surgery so much that she is painful to look at. She has the largest, nastiest collegen lips I have ever seen. The entertainment show hosts never mention to her, or the audience, that she has turned herself grotesquely ugly. They talk about it like she’s cool! If we wanted to have lips like hers, when we were kids, we’d buy those candy wax lips at the Ben Franklin five and dime. We also, too, for a few cents, could look stupid, and it was not permanent! As for the rest of her, there isn’t much left. It’s hard to love her personality. Lets talk about the medias May-December relationships. A 75 year old male movie star marries a 20 year old starlet and they play patti-cake on their honeymoon? What do they talk about, ..going to the mall? I don’t think they can play Twister. It’s kinda like pedophilia in a morbid way! They also retire women Celebs as soon as wrinkles appear. The men have the long careers. Maybe they’ll be needing these old men to finance their expensive tastes as they are left with no careers or celebrity status. Could this be nature intervening? Celebrity marriages fail because they marry celebrities, not people! I’ll use Britney Spears as an example. She was poor white trash. Now she is poor white trash with lots of money! She marries a dancer. Stars feel they should marry and inbreed like the ancient Egyptians did! Then they find out all they married was the illusion of celebrity. No lessons learned, they go out, and do it some more. They do not understand that they are not great because of being famous. They are a marketed product like pickles! Only they are flawed, with money, and are under an intense spotlight for a while. They give up their lives for fame and money. Here’s another amazing fact. A sports-star rapes someone. He gets a book deal, a porno offer, and the victim gets trashed! Barbara Walters gets him to cry on a couch because he’s poor and then she helps him to revive his income for a while. Robert Downey Jr. is a gifted actor, but in any other profession, business people would have pulled the plug on this loser after the first unlawful offense! Hollywood, along with the recording industry, loves these people, and gives them many unbelievable chances, along with enough rope to totally destroy themselves. They need 12-step programs in their boardrooms! They are co-dependants of the worst kind. They have a dim way of looking at helping someone. The worst that can happen is that if Robert Downey Jr. dies, then they’ll produce a film based on his pathetic life story, and someone imitating his bad behavior will win an Oscar. Oh well, there’s always Robert Downey Jr. II, III, and IV! Spawned royalty you know. I guess he performs music too! Why not? Most musicians brag and flaunt their stupidity. The ol’ sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll mentality. Same idiots as the other Celebs, just in a different package. If they are a used, or washed up, music star they can fabricate the “come-back” CD and tour. I can see it all now, the 16 country world tour, 136 cities, with all the drugs it will take to keep them going for 6 months! The beer companies and Viagra will sponsor it! Television, movie, and recording stars have elevated themselves into grandiose world leader wannabes. It is terrifying because media stars really have substance abuse, self esteem, marriage, relationship, honesty, fidelity, and sexual issues. Maybe that’s why they want to be politicians! The Betty Ford Clinic Class of the Famous is always ever-growing. Stars are as tortured as any VanGogh ever was! There is something wrong in a world where we call people like them stars. They are more like sunspots, shooting off bursts of creative energy for as long as they are allowed to last. I think that their level of dysfunction creates a razor sharp creativity though. I respect that totally. It always cracks me up whenever I hear a major recording personality stand in front of their concert crowds and preach for the cameras. They are so full of themselves! The audience chants along with them for another hour and then goes home to sober up. Then again some don’t go home and sober up. They imitate their idols! I have heard that ADHD, or depression has produced many good television and movie personalities. I’d believe that. Many of them, particularly the musicians, have had minimal education. I always have to remember my own beliefs, that some people buy education, and others experience it. But it doesn’t seem likely in something as fake as the entertainment industry. If you act in a movie about space, then the media passes you off as an expert about it! Remember one thing about the famous is that they are all good at acting, even when they can’t act. Yes, it’s true that some will never buy suits, or gowns, for the Grammy’s, or Oscars, but they all act. What sports person, or recording star of note, hasn’t been on TV, or in a movie, if it can be forged and done? What sports icon, or movie star hasn’t had their own CD, or band, if it could be invented, or created? Market to the masses! I do not want anyone, who hasn’t gotten through elementary school, teaching my kids anything unless they are amazingly positive. Now I’ll really get going! Like everything else, they have shoved rap music down my throat for years now. That’s the music form I loath the most. I’ll tell you why. Don’t get me wrong I have heard a few good rap songs. Every medium has the good stuff, but the good stuff in rap music doesn’t seem to be getting through. No surprise! You just have to know where you can find it outside of the mainstream. I love serenity. Every “Thunder Dummy” that rattles the earth with their speakers, spewing uneducated, profane, simplistic, sexist, thug, pants-hanging gangsta, negative crap, invades what little space I have left for enjoying a quality, serene, beautiful moment! I have watched as their followers hold onto their pants, or penis, while they show off the fruit in their looms in public. I used to go to McDonalds and Burger King occasionally. They are now rap-central. You feel harassed and embarrassed in those places. Many retailers have done an awful lot of this rap advertising to sell unpleasant, arrogant kids, school supplies, and clothing. I will spend my money elsewhere. The Gothic kids are irritating too! They want to be. Notice me! Notice me! We have it rough. Screw society. I was brought up by my Grandmother. I was teased as a kid. When I was a kid, the Cookie Monster ate cookies in front of me. The world has damaged me more than anyone else on this whole earth, so I wanna’ dye my hair blue, and pierce my nipple! Lick my tattoo. Can I make you puke? …..They are all trying to be individuals to make a statement. What they all have in common with the others is that they are all the same. They are not individuals, but instead, CARTOONS! I think of them having names like, Jack Skellingtounge-piercing, Mista Baggy Pants, Night of the Living Crow, Rap & Stimpy, The Powerpuff Goths, The Notorious Porky P.I.G., Punky In Black Mac Attack, Jazzay Penis Twister, Gotherella, Dr. Fruit Of The Looms, Blue Hair/No Care, Rappaloosa, Abrazombie & Fitch, Charlie Mix-Masta’ Brown, The Tazmanian Flintstone, and Junior Gansta’ Samples. Well the nice thing is, that, every day is Halloween for these clowns! Lastly, I grew up listening to country music with my Dad. What I can clearly tell you is that country music no longer is country music. The main acts are nothing more than rock stars in cowboy hats and boots. They are as about as country as one of my middle fingers! There is no country left, so how can there be country music? In the 1960’s The Grateful Dead performed the present country artists style of music, and back then it was honestly called, acid rock. The Dead knew how to jam though. These people sell trucks, beer, and dress up like country folks for awards shows. Rather than give you Minnie Pearl, they’d rather give you a minnie pearl necklace! I think they are CARTOONS too! Mark my words, one of these days a new female country artist will hit the scene. For fun we will call her Petree McDish! She will country dance better than she can sing. She won’t sing or play live. The back up band will be simulated, and provided, by HP Computers. On stage she will cavort nude with a banjo in front of her privates, like our many karaoke stars of today. Britney Spears will French kiss her on stage during the Country Music Awards show at the Grand Ol‘ Opry in front of all the old has-been performers that can no longer get record deals. Her biggest selling CD will be a country-rap album called, I‘m a Little Bit Ghetto! Ford will sell a truck named, Ram Jam Thank You Mam, after her, with a fold down bed in the payload area. Goodyear will name a line of rubbers after her called the Goodyear-Not-So-Limp-Blimps. She will market her own clothing line and perfume called Trailer Park Trash. It will sell millions! Everyone, who’s anyone will be told to buy her music. They will. There will be her sex-tape DVD, leaked out on the internet, that she will control, and sell. She will also market occasional children CD's, because she is good person, deeeeeep inside, and write sex educational books for toddlers. Then, with the betrayal complete, she’ll reveal that she is a test tube baby from the loins of David Crosby, and Gloria Steinem, born in a New York City laboratory, not in a rural Memphis Tennessee one! It could happen! Enough said!!!!!!!

MISTA' BAGGY PANTS